


Terminal

by Halo793



Series: Song inspired [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Smut, There will be fluff, agnst, but im doing this to myself as well, hella angst, id say sorry, prepare to have your heart ripped out of your chest, there will be angst, there will be smut, this will destroy us all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-12 12:35:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5666239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halo793/pseuds/Halo793
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terminal: predicted to lead to death, especially slowly; incurable.<br/> <br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be a song one-shot.... but its grown out of control. There are multiple songs involved in this fic. The main song that will encompass the whole story and inspired it from the beginning is 'Wildest Dreams' by Taylor Swift. The other song used as inspiration in this chapter was a cover of 'Sweater Weather' by Max Schneider and Alyson Stoner.
> 
> Maybe I'll make a YouTube playlist of all the songs that inspire parts of this.

My name was Special Agent Chelsey Morgan; Code Name: Smoke Screen.

Skills: Biochemical Weapons of Mass Destruction(WMD) specialist; Field Medic; Skilled Hacker

Clearance level: 8

This is how I died.

 

 

Terminal. That’s what they told me. I had inhaled too many chemicals… been too close to too many chemical weapons. I didn’t hear a lot after that, I was distracted with my sudden dry mouth and closing throat. I didn’t feel like I was inside my own body. Was it even mine anymore? Or was it owned but something new; something malicious; something… _terminal._

 

My mind was blank and racing all at once while the small team of doctors tried to explain the options I had. I couldn’t process their words but they kept talking and talking.  My redheaded angel of a best friend quickly saw me spiraling out of control and spoke over the doctors. Whatever she said made them leave and give us some time alone. I was staring down at my shaking hands, the only part of me that was moving. She turned my chair to face hers before she wrapped her hands around mine, whispering my name carefully. My eyes slowly moved up her arms until I found her face.

 

Her expression was solid as stone, waiting to see what I would say or how I would react. When I didn’t… when I didn’t move besides my blinking eyes and shaking hands; when I sat before her, barely breathing… I saw her resolve break for the very first time.

 

“Talk to me, Chels” Natasha said, her voice cracked and her eyebrows pulled together.

 

I wasn’t sure what to say. What could I say? Any question I asked would have an answer I didn’t want.

 

“When?” with such short shallow breaths, it was hard to speak the single syllable word.

 

“About a year, maybe 18 months. They said you’ll start to notice in about ten months,” her voice was just as soft as her pale thumbs that rubbed gently along the back of my hands. Those hands had killed. That voice struck terror into the most hardened criminals. Yet, in that moment, peace and love were the only things I felt from her actions.

 

I was dizzy; my world was spinning, spiraling down the drain. Nothing lasts forever… but things were just getting good, like the best chapter of my life was about to start. But now, here I am at the end. I dropped my eyes to my hands again, staring at the little silver band around my finger. I didn’t want something flashy and he knew that. My sweet fiancé. The thin band held a small pearl nestled between two little diamonds; simple and beautiful. How could this happen to us?

 

“How?” I croaked.

 

“When your heart starts to lose rhythm… it’ll get harder to breathe… cough a lot…”

 

“No, Tash,” I looked up at her again and my first tear fell, “How do I tell him?”

 

Her face crumpled in pain as she pulled me in into a hug. That’s when my tears came full force.

 

“Oh, sweetheart,” I could hear the tears in her voice, “We’ll figure it out,”

 

She sounded so determined. Like she would find every possible treatment to extend my time. Natasha’s words and the tone of her voice made me realize something; I didn’t want that. If she was so determined to save me, I couldn’t imagine how intensely my fiancé would fight to fix me. I didn’t want to spend my last year using every medicine that may or may not give me a few more months.

 

When the doctors came back, the briefly mentioned the option of hospice care; treating the symptoms and making me comfortable, before they launched into all of their ideas to try and add another three or six months to my sentence. Because that’s what it was now, a death sentence.

 

“No,” my voice cracked as I interrupted the conversation. I cleared my throat, “I want hospice,”

 

Natasha’s head whipped around to look at me in horror as one of the doctors stuttered out, “What?”

 

“I don’t want 20 miserable months of side effects from medication when I could have 12 normal, peaceful months,” I explained.

 

“You know he’s not going to let that…” Natasha warned.

 

“That’s why he isn’t going to know,” I locked eyes with her and she nodded sadly. She’d hold my secret.

 

The drive back was silent and the air in the car felt thick, choking me until I cracked my window and pressed my cheek to the cool glass. Something about the smell in the outside breeze reminded me of our vacation… when he proposed to me at the beach house in northern California.

_Tony let us use one of his fancy getaway houses, and I’d never been to California so that’s where Bucky chose to go. He’s the one that set up the details with Stark. James was never one to be excessively romantic in front of the others, so I was relieved for a sorely needed vacation… just the two of us. Even if it wasn’t exactly the warmest time of year, I was excited to see the beach. We arrived just before sunset and he insisted I go inside and watch the sun from the balcony while he would carry in the bags._

_After pulling a fleece sweater over my head to ward off the chilly northern wind, I stood looking out over the ocean as the sun slowly drown. I protected my cold hands in the large fleece pocket before I felt another pair of hands move down my arms and into my pocket as well. He sighed, resting his chin on my shoulder and I leaned back into his chest._

_“I was about to send a rescue team. Thought you got lost in this fancy house,” I said quietly._

_He turned his face to nuzzle into my hair and kiss my cheek, “I was just lookin’ for somethin’,”_

_His fingers played with mine in the warmth of the sweater, lacing and unlacing our fingers before I felt something cool slide onto one of my left fingers as he kissed my cheek, whispering that he loved me. With a furrowed brow I pulled my hand from the safety of the pocket only to see a thin silver band glimmering on my ring finger. A little iridescent pink pearl was nestled securely in the metal with a tiny diamond on either side. I leaned to the side slightly and turned my head to look at him, a shy smirk laid on his lips before I looked back to my hand._

_“Wha…” I looked at him again._

_“What do ya say, baby doll?” he whispered, the words were almost carried away in the ocean breeze._

_I only blinked in momentary confusion as I looked from him to the ring and back. Instead of an answer, I touched his cheek, staring at him in awe for a moment, before pressing my lips to his in a slow kiss. We separated in time to watch the last of the sunrise while he held me a little tighter and hummed happily in my ear, swaying to an imaginary beat. Happy tears balanced on my eyelashes, reflecting the last bits of sunlight into starburst in my vision. I turned my head again, resting my forehead against his and staring into his eyes as the last ray of light disappeared on the horizon, only leaving a glow in the sky. It was a moment more beautiful and perfect than any sunset could ever hope to be._


	2. TEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this might be the hardest fic ive ever witten. its so sad.  
> the chapter title is 'ten' because of a prompt to 'write a story thats a countdown from 10 to 0'. well, this is her last ten months with bucky.   
> this story will destroy us all.... mostly me

** TEN **

 

I knew Bucky would notice if the medicine started to arrive in our mail, so I went to one person I knew I could trust to help me… the only other person, beside myself and Natasha, who could know my secret. I knew Tony would understand, because he’d been ‘dying’ before.

 

When I explained what was happening, I could see the sympathetic agony in his eyes. I had to look away when I saw tears balancing on his lashes, opting to stare at a computer running codes.

 

“So, the medicine will be delivered to your lab, without my name on it. I’ll come in and get it and… he - he can’t know, Tony,” I begged.

 

“You really think a trained assassin with seventy-something years of experience won’t notice you slowly dying?!” he was sharp with me, and it was what I needed. I didn’t need someone to treat me like I was a fragile glass sculpture right now; I needed reality. He put his hands on top of his head, pacing away taking deep breaths before coming back. He was angry. Angry because he knew that it was something he couldn’t fix; and Tony liked to fix things.

 

“He won’t… which leads me to my next favor,” as I explained what I wanted, he nodded along slowly. Mine and James’ anniversary would be just before my estimated time to start showing symptoms, two years since we’d been engaged, and I wanted it to be special. I wanted to go back to the beach house. When I stopped talking there was a long silence while Tony looked intently at the floor. I could practically see ideas and possible solutions running through his mind before his eyes snapped up to mine excited.

 

“Chels, you and Steve are an almost perfect bone marrow match! I’m sure if we transplant, with his crazy super immunity, it could boost your immune system enough to…”

 

“No, Tony,” I said softly, “I can’t risk anyone else knowing,”

 

I had been sick before, months before we found out the real cause, and the team all volunteered to test blood and marrow compatibility. SHIELD gave the ok for the tests because everyone knows how SHIELD likes to catalog information. Luckily, I started to recover before any procedures were needed.

 

He frowned before offering a less invasive option, “We can shock your heart back into rhythm whenever it starts to… it won’t really add time but, should help make it bearable,” I nodded and smiled thankfully.

 

“Can I trust you?”

 

With a sad smile, he pulled me into a tight hug, “Of course, kid,”

 

I hugged back for a moment before pushing him away, “Alright, alright. Don’t get sappy on me. I’m not dead yet,”

 

He chuckled a little, sniffed, and tried to wipe his eye discreetly, “Who else knows?”

 

“You, Romanoff, and the doctors. I wanna keep it that way Tony,” my voice sounded pleading, “For as long as possible… until it’s over, preferably,”

 

He shook his head slowly with a sad sigh, “Alright,” running a hand down his face, he groaned and leaned back against his desk, “Ok, alright, I won’t tell anyone,” after I sighed with relief, he continued, “But I still think he’ll find out. Either he’ll figure it out on his own or you’ll end up telling him,”

 

To maintain my own composure, I ignored his last comments, “Thanks, Tony,” I turned to leave, stopping in the doorway with a smile plastered on my face, “Is the team still having diner tomorrow night?”

 

“Huh?”, he was having trouble hiding his distraught pain, getting lost in his thoughts, “Yeah… yeah, diner tomorrow. My place,”

 

I smiled through my internal storm and nodded, “Sounds good! I’ll see you then,”

 

As I left, I could hear him mutter, lost in his thoughts, “Yeah, see you then, Chels,”

 

I couldn’t really blame him for being so shaken by the news. It never feels right when someone dies young. Like the record of time skips on a bit of dust and the needle falls in the wrong place… skips to the end, missing the best parts of the song. It wasn’t right. I made my way down the hall trying to decide of I should stop in the common area and wait for Bucky to find me there, or if I should go to our apartment and be there alone with him. I wasn’t sure how I would handle seeing him alone right after that news, so I strolled into the common area and instead of continuing down me and Bucky’s hall, I flopped onto a couch beside Nat and Clint. I knew she wouldn’t tell him, but I also knew Clint would gather enough to know something was wrong.

 

“Where’ve you been?” Clint asked, casual enough.

 

“Stopped to talk to Tony for a minute… about dinner tomorrow,” I shrugged. It wasn’t a totally lie, which made it easier. He only nodded and turned back to the TV.

 

I could hear Steve and Bucky talking as they walked into the room, they were behind me and I tried to seem focused on the TV. Someone leaned on the back of the couch and arms draped over my shoulders as he rested his chin on my head with a sigh.

 

“How was the doctor?” He asked, moving his head to my shoulder to kiss my cheek.

 

“Fine. More of the same. They did a few test to make sure everything is still holding steady,” my upbeat voice almost had me fooled, “How was teaching the training class?”

 

“Well…”

 

“Let’s just say, teaching isn’t his thing,” Steve laughed.

 

“Hey, that kid was trying to piss me off!”

 

“It’s not called ‘trying’ if it works,” Sam noted as he came through the door, “Thanks for making a ton of incident reports for me to do,” he grumbled.

 

“What did you do?” I asked with a groan.

 

“He’s a very ‘hands on’ teacher,” Steve snickered from across the room.

 

“Yeah, I’ll have ta teach you somethin’ if you don’t shut up,” Bucky’s snap came with a smirk.

 

“Never mind,” I giggled, “I don’t wanna know,”

 

My family, this weird little group of people… they made me feel better. It helped me to forget for a little while. I moved to let Bucky sit and then I sat sideways in his lap, curling up and hiding my face in the crook of his neck while he rubbed his hand up and down my back.

 

“You ok?” he whispered with his lips brushing my forehead.

 

I sighed deeply before answering, letting my body settle into his more fully and trying to absorb every bit of comfort I could from his warmth, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m just tired,”

 

“Wanna go lay down?” his voice was so full of concern, so full of love.

 

I couldn’t help but snuggle closer to him at the idea of not being held, “No, I’m comfy here,” my voice sounded dreamy, half falling asleep and half memorizing the blissful comfort of his arms around me and his hands stroking along my back and arms gently. 

 

He chuckled and pressed another kiss to my forehead, “Ok, baby,” he made sure to hold me a little tighter while he started talking to the group and watching TV. I only half listened, trying to get lost in the loving feeling he always filled me with. I only had a year left to love him and be loved by him and I was going to remember every second… or at least try.

 

Too much had happened that day, there was too much on my mind and my brain was giving up. The best and fastest way I knew to avoid thinking was to sleep. And as I drifted off, I listened to the voices of my friends… my family… happily talking around me. I felt at home. I felt safe.

 

“Stevie,” Bucky tried to say softly, but with my ear so close to his lungs, it echoed as a deep sound in his chest, “Pass me that blanket,” seconds later, I felt a soft warm blanket get draped around Bucky and I. I hummed happily and pressed a kiss to his neck.

 

“Love you, baby doll,” he whispered.

 

As I fell a little deeper into sleep I mumbled back, “Love you more,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> each chapter is just an event or two from that monthish. just, brace yourself to have your life ruined. i've been writing it out of order. i have month 6, 4, and 3 done and im working on 5. just gotta fill in the gaps. i just wrote three and it destroyed me.


End file.
